Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Happy weekend !