Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.