I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]