I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
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Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.