i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
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This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
idk what this dog had been going through but same
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.