I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
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First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind