Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
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Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Best seat on the street 😍
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.