[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
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Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
True
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*