Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
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On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Wait a minute…
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Only a mother’s love …
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
#SaturdayBears
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel