Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
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If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
happy valentine’s day to me
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
This hospital has everything
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever