I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
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We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My biological clock is wheezing.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time