I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.