I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Support your local cemetery
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
shut up and take my money
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.