I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
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i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
ok hear me out: Luigiana
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..