If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
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*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.