edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.