I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
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5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
(True)
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
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I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive