I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
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[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Good morning, Twitter x
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers