I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
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doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.