I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
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boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Goodnight 🐶
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?