@simoncholland: I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
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@AmishPornStar1: Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
@JermHimselfish: I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential.
@GrantTanaka: I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it'll just be my turn.
@TylerActually: You know, gas prices really aren't that bad when you consider that you're essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.