@simoncholland: I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
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@internetluke: GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now. ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open? GOD: ...
@koalaslament: I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
@JumpingJesusH: If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours to keep. If it doesn't, you drove far enough.