@simoncholland: I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
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@flashember: [Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
@ComedicBust: [First Date] Me: Wanna check out the local garden? Her: That sounds amazing. [arriving at Olive Garden] Me: Damn, it's busier than usual
@TheToddWilliams: [Beatles recording session] Ringo: ♫I'd like to be John: Nice beat R: ♫Under the sea Paul: Oh exotic R: ♫In an octopus's garden George: WTF?
@dreamthievin: A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox