I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
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If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.