I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
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Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*