I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
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[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Me irl
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”