Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
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Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?