I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
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We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
This is a bad sign
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
there has never been a better use of this meme
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …