Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.