@EndhooS: I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that's not what they're for.
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@Gwinifer: Life with me is like a box of chocolates. You never know when you're going to get the crazy one filled with arsenic.
@causticbob: Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? A: Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom! #HappyBirthdayBob
@DustinSiskey: One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, "YOU'RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!" Best.Insult.Ever.