I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
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I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
🙂🐾
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
How about daylight saves us for once
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”