I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
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devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..