I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I see your IQ test came back negative
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
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Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply