@ShawnHatosy: I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, "you have a problem" so I replied, "no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar."
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@bacon_gillepic: Stuffs more popcorn in my face* Why don't bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
@Book_Krazy: Judge: So, you don't know how the victims blood got in your car? Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
@TheBoydP: I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees? Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born 5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool