@ShawnHatosy: I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, "you have a problem" so I replied, "no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar."
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@AbiWilks: My toddler just asked me "mummy why do people think falsely attributing quotes to my preschool peers lends their bad opinions authenticity?"
@BuckyIsotope: [on game show] Choose a door for a goat or a new car "I'll take door #2" You've won the car! *sees it's a Kia* "Can I have the goat instead"