I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
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Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
started wrapping my pills in cheese
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.