I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
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Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
The news in a nutshell.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
no!! no!!!!!!
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.