I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
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For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.