Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
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[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
my one true gender
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
My boss called in sick of me
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking