I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
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Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*