I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
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i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious