@killerdollrik: I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"
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@IamEnidColeslaw: I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
@jtswhipped: To the woman that told her husband to "bite my ballsack" at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.
@TheTweetOfGod: If "the word impossible is not in your vocabulary", you have a pretty limited vocabulary.
@ruinedpicnic: "you look nice" - sweet potato "im so high" - baked potato "you suck!" - roast potato "what have I done" - guy who made talking potatoes