@killerdollrik: I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes - "open bar"
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@man_spach: [on a test drive] Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants! Dealer: This car doesn't have heated seats. Me: Does it have napkins?
@Amburglar_: According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
@MoneypennyNaked: Apparently speed dating doesn't involve taking amphetamines. UGH. Worst night ever.
@Amusitr0n: Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he's swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.