I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
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The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Word!
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.