I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
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Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
They grow up so quick
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Anyone want a chair?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Cha-ching is my safe word
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.