I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
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“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’