I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
You Might Also Like
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.