@summerofbenny: I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don't need someone pointing to a picture and saying,"That's him."
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@papasuncle: [commercial] "Is there a dull film on your dishes?" Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
@michaelianblack: Fun fact: The hip word "chillax" is a combination of the slang term "chill" and the more traditional word "laxative."
@realHamOnWry: Mom: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too? Me: Of course...we have free healthcare. #Canada150th
@turtledumplin: Why would anyone come on Twitter JUST to argue? Don't you have an ex, or a spouse, or a family member that you can argue with?