@Ideal_Victoria: I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
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@WheelTod: [Animal Shelter] Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.” Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?” Me: “Well, mostly I'll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So... a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
@d_duhwit: Neighbor: Hey I'm sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn. Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog's lawn lemonade stand* Hey, I told you it has to be on our lawn.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: "Yeah, well your dog isn't a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you're vaccinated" - how a kid talks shit in 2015