I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
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Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.