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@Ideal_Victoria: I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
@djdarrellripley: My fortune cookie reads "I peed in your fried rice" and it's hand written...
@LuluLanternFish: Before I really understood sarcasm people would say things like "oh, well look who it is" and I'd be like "it's me Karen, I'm your daughter"
@jollyrobber: Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
@lifecoachfit: Population Control: Make birth control a psychedelic.
@joshgondelman: If I have a son, he's going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it'll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.