I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
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How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline