I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
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Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Same post same
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
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It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?