@juneohara65: I await the announcement that Trump's running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash? Me: 6: Me: It was too good. I didn't want to make your sisters jealous.
@truegritrumble: (Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike) KID:Dad, I'm scared ME:It's okay. The closest tree is a mile away TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
@LMLMadness: Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
@JohnFugelsang: I can't wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.