@juneohara65: I await the announcement that Trump's running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
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@david8hughes: Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head Me: that's a really great, floppy little head you've got there. Well done
@robdelaney: How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife's birthday presents there before she left me.
@amazymay72x: My 12yo son's protip: Buy larger sized clothes and you'll look like you lost weight. You're welcome.