@juneohara65: I await the announcement that Trump's running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: That guy is a bad apple. 6-year-old: He's a person. Me: I just meant he's mean. 6: Probably because you called him an apple.
@chuuew: SEA LION 1: "More like shark *weak* amirite?" SEA LION 2: "Hahaha" SHARK: "Hey guys, what ya watching?" [Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
@Bownuggets: Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he's laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard