@juneohara65: I await the announcement that Trump's running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
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@ibid78: [plumber] well here's your problem.. *keeps pulling tied handkerchiefs from toilet* [magician] it was like that when I bought the house
@david8hughes: Wife: can you change the baby Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one Me: ...
@CherBear162: I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
@HMittelmark: If somebody at a party tells you they're a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, "DID YOU WRITE THIS?"