I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
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“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job