I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
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The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?