@Brianhopecomedy: I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I'll look before I lie down on the couch.
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@ibid78: "We should see other people" PIGEON: coo "It's not u it's me" - coo "I'm breaking up w/ u" - coo "I'm sleeping w/ ur brother" - not coo
@panmidwest: [pulled over] ME: Ok, don't let him know you're an alligator COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line ME: [exhale] thank God…
@kelkulus: What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this!