I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
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getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
new record!
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.