I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
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Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Coffee for people with no kids
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
A drum solo but on your face.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis