I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
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Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I love art.
The Book. The Movie.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked