I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!