I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
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Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Breaking news:
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
We all have our pet causes.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.